I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
