I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
