I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
