The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
