I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
