I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
