the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
