Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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