i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
