We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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