You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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