how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
