she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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