I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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