I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
