sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
