Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
