I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
