made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
