The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
