I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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