Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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