They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
