did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
