so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
