Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I need a burrito and a hug.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
