My Higher Power is John Stamos
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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