he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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