Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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