She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
