My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
