pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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