i think my tv is drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
