My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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