do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
