i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My balls are so social today.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
