Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So many bounce houses so little time
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
