I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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