lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
