Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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