So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this boner is exhausting
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
