booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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