Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
