Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
