worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my poor anus
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
