Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
