I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
