Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
