$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
