dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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