Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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