how do flat chested girls get laid?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
