We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think my moral compass just broke
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
