Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
